Hello and welcome to our weekly advice column by Captain Happily Married, Edison City’s heroic defender against evil, injustice, and interpersonal conflicts! Today’s topic: sportsmanship!
Dear Captain,
Sir, I doubt we’ve met; I am the chairman of the Edison City Chess Association and the preeminent grandmaster in the tristate area, whereas you, I understand, confirm your sporting activities to mere displays of brawn, pummeling wrongdoers and whatnot. In any event, I am writing to you as I believe there has been a crime committed against our sport by one of your associates, and I am in some hopes that you could lend assistance.
In our latest tournament, the Arbor Day Invitational, we had a newcomer join our ranks, someone who had no prior experience with the game but who expressed eagerness to play. Naturally we welcome any interested participants; however, I was curious. I nonetheless let this person participate, which I now regret, as they immediately proceeded to carve a swath of metaphorical destruction right through the ranks of the tristate’s finest players. Roberta Ackerswold, master of the Triskelion Defense, ran sobbing from the table. I wouldn’t have credited it had I not seen it myself, but even Stanworth Pipington II, known developer of the Ferret’s Gambit, was summarily defeated in a mere five moves. It was then that I began to suspect something amiss.
It happens that I have an extremely minor power of my own; I have the ability to detect the presence of a superhero, if they’re using their powers within my range. Obviously this has certain limitations; your non-powered capes don’t apply, but no matter; I checked and sure enough, I could tell that someone was using some sort of power in the tournament area, a practice strictly forbidden by tournament procedure!
Unfortunately I am unable to determine who was present exactly or what power was being used, and as our final championship match is tomorrow night and, well, my Grandmaster title is at stake, I request your assistance. I presume this is the work of telepaths; do you know of any telepathic supervillains who might have been interested in sabotaging our activities?
Anxiously,
Mortimer P. Cludd, Grandmaster, Edison City Chess Association
Dear Mortimer,
This seems like a serious problem indeed! I checked with Audrey of the Phenomenal Four, and she did a scan of the area and was unable to detect residual telepathic activity; I don’t believe it was her since on the night of your event she was playing me and other superheroic colleagues in a rousing tournament of air hockey! It is certainly possible that another supervillain attempted to sabotage your games, but they would have to be a certifiable genius or….
Wait. Hold that thought, Mortimer. I think I need to have a word with my daughter.
Morty,
Okay, fine. *ugh*. For the record, I’m only doing this because my parents said I couldn’t drive the Miraculous Minivan until I did, just so you know. Anyway, yes, I signed up for your big important chess deal and yes I totally beat everyone there and it was super easy because I don’t just have the power to blow up stuff all nuclear-like I can calculate probabilities super-fast and predict multiple possible futures so you can imagine how that might be really helpful in chess and anyway I won’t do it again I swear.
Sorry not sorry (but okay yeah I’m sorry so can I drive the Miraculous Minivan now Mom please?)
Margaret [Redacted], aka Meg Atomic
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