After-Action Report: Hair

To: Michael, Archangel, Commander, Heavenly Hosts, Etc.

From: Phil, Guardian Corps, Angel Third Class (AT3)

Re: Hair Incident AAR

Report Narrative: Subject was born with intent not to cut hair due to sacred vow (see attached correspondence, mother’s guardian, appendix 5-a). Subject kept vow and received max-factor strength. On growing up, subject had multiple relationships with various partners. Guardian advised subject to knock it off. Subject ignored angelic warning (note: correspondence not in official record. see 7-l). After tumultuous ending of one relationship, subject used foxes to set Philistine fields on fire. Subject assaulted by numerous Philistines. Subject used jawbone of ass to slay one thousand (1,000) Philistines. (Note: precise details of incident not known at present. Did Philistines form a queue? Was there any reluctance on part of 1000th Philistine on seeing fate of prior 999 to engage? Precisely how does one slay a person with that particular object? Details presumed forthcoming.)

Following Jawbone Incident, subject had brief encounter with partner in local city. Philistines attempted apprehension via dawn ambush. Subject escaped by bodily lifting city gates and carrying them off. Current status of gates unknown. Current status of partner unknown.

Subject then encountered [Redacted for privacy; see report by guardian Vicky, AF1]. Subject had lengthy and [in guardian’s opinion, ill-advised] relationship with [Redacted]. [Redacted] began querying Subject repeatedly regarding source of superpower. Subject declined to respond or offered fictitious responses. [Redacted] continued queries (repeatedly). Despite attempts by guardian to dissuade subject, subject finally got so frustrated with queries that subject told [Redacted] the source: i.e., preserving sacred vow of non-cutting-of-hair keeps max-factor strength.

Per attached intercepted memo (ex. 9-b), [Redacted] passed information to Philistines, who promptly administered involuntary haircut to subject. Subject then lost max-factor strength. Subject was then apprehended, enucleated, and transferred to Philistine detention facility. Subject is currently engaged in working at detention facility mill.

Future actions planned:

-Advise subject to repent

-Check whether Philistines remember that hair grows back

-Check Philistine calendar for major upcoming festivals

-Note architectural stability of primary local enemy temple. Theory: if max-factor strength restored and applied to supporting columns, result: possible building collapse? Will investigate.

Respectfully submitted,

Phil, Guardian Corps, AT3