Things That Irritate Me: Google

I like to think I’m a calm and peaceful sort of guy, a live and let live person. However, thanks to

John Ward

I recently became aware of this little announcement from Google that came over the proverbial transom, and my friends, I am vexed. Mind you, I don’t necessarily object to the policy per se; obviously Hackers are Bad and Spammers are Also Bad, and I fully approve of maintaining a secure email service. However, I am still vexed.

Why, you ask? Well, let’s take a few quotes from said announcement. Begin at the beginning:

It’s clear that email has become an essential part of daily communication. And whether you’re submitting a job application or staying in touch with a loved one, your emails should be safe and secure.

Oh, is it? Did you all just now figure out the wonders of email, or have you known all this time and you’ve just been waiting for the right moment to spring it on us? Here I’ve been laboring away on my rickety old telegraph machine, clattering out college applications and law school essays and work messages and so forth in Morse code all this time when gasp I could’ve been doing it by email? Ye gods and little fishes!

Moving on, Google informs us that “Gmail’s AI-powered defenses” do a pretty bang-up job of protecting email already, so yay us! [I paraphrase, of course] Even so there’s still threats-n-stuff out there, so they’re introducing “new requirements for bulk senders” which they define as people who send more than 5000 messages to Gmail addresses in one day “to keep your inbox even safer and more spam-free.”

I’m not sure whether to read this in the tone of an old ‘50s-style PSA or Palpatine announcing the First! Galactic! Empire! for a safe! and secure! society!, but all the same, I still get some sort of vibe from this.

They continue with the new requirements for the bulk senders, which, y’know, I’m not a cybersecurity expert but seem like a good idea. Probably. Of course, then we get to the conclusion.

We aren’t the only ones pushing for these changes. Our industry partners also see the pressing need to institute them: …

These practices should be considered basic email hygiene, and many senders already meet most of these requirements. For those who need help to improve their systems, we’re sharing clear guidance before enforcement begins in February 2024.

These changes are like a tune-up for the email world, and by fixing a few things under the hood, we can keep email running smoothly. But just like a tune-up, this is not a one-time exercise. Keeping email more secure, user friendly and spam-free requires constant collaboration and vigilance from the entire email community. And we'll keep working together to make sure your inbox stays safe.

Hoo boy.

Let’s get one thing out of the way re: the penultimate line in the final paragraph:

Also, technically, it should be “keeping email more secure, user friendly, and spam-free”. Once again we have forgotten our Oxford comma, haven’t we?

Also, whose decision is this, Google’s or Yahoo’s? Or everyone else’s? Do you get the sense that it’s almost your fault that this is being done? “Well, you sillies should be doing this already, but *long sigh* you aren’t, so we’re going to have to step in and do it for you. Silly.”

Anyhow.

That is all.

Constantly vigilant,

Michael