The Weekly Muse #25

In Which We Argue and Make Up Very Quickly, and the World's Funniest Joke Appears

Last week in the read-through of chapter five of my Very First Novel, Luther the owl gave us an extremely detailed history of the new country in which our heroes have found themselves. Short version: the Bad Guy, Lord Taradash, has seized power, and the only hope to stopping him is a lost prince, possibly hidden away in the Southern Forest where the Raccoon Brethren lurk. What will Sean, Lucy, and Conrad do this? Let’s find out!

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Luther sat back in his chair wearily. "Well, now you have been informed of the entire details of our melancholy history. You also can now fully comprehend my incredulity when you so specifically referred to our absent successor to the sovereignty of our realm."

"Is he talking about what you said about lost princes and stuff?" Lucy asked Sean.

Sean did not answer. Lucy looked at him and saw that Sean had a dreamy look in his eyes, like the look Sean got whenever he read the latest computer catalogs and imagined what he would do with a new computer. Sean was right in the middle of an adventure story that rivaled the Narnia stories and he was drinking in every minute of it.

Conrad answered for Sean, "Yep, that's what he's talking about."

"Oh," said Lucy, not quite knowing what else to say. More and more, she was finding herself not quite knowing what to say. Then, she turned to Luther and said, "Urn, Luther, I don't mean to make you mad or anything, but what exactly are we supposed to do about the Lost Prince? I mean, I feel sorry for the Sirians and all, but we're just kids. How are we supposed to help?"

Sean snapped out of his daydreaming. "Do? I'll tell you what we're supposed to do! Find the Prince, of course!"

"Hello! Earth to Sean! Earth to Sean! Do you realize what you just said?" Lucy retorted. "You're saying that we should go into a huge forest, where we may be killed or captured by those Raccoon guys, find a Lost Island that may not even exist, rescue the prince (who may not even be alive), then what? Bring him out and parade him in the streets? Oh, I know. We'll parade him around, let everyone see him, then we'll take the prince to Taradash and tell him, ‘Okay, we found the prince, now would you please take your powerful army of thieving bandits and surrender nicely so we can replace you as king? Oh, and maybe you could ask your friend Cavanessa to give up being Catqueen and let Basil or whatever his name is come back so he can get on her nerves again?' Yeah, there's a good plan." Lucy could be quite sarcastic when she wanted to be.

Sean was furious. "So what are we supposed to do, sit around here making daisy chains and just hope the prince is found? What would have happened in Narnia, if Jill and Eustace had just sat around Cair Paravel and just waited for Prince Rilian to turn up? Or what if..."

"For the last time, Sean, this is not Narnia!" Lucy screamed. "This is Sirilan! I don't know what you're going to do, but I'm not going to go rushing off into some deep dark forest which I might not even reach because of those Tara Raider guys, to find some Lost Island which no one's ever seen, to rescue some prince who may not even be alive, then come back and parade him around for about two minutes before we get wiped out by Taradash's army!"

Conrad had never seen Sean this mad, even when Lucy had called him by his middle name. He had leaped to his feet, eyes blazing, fists clenched, his face practically white with fury. Lucy had leaped up as well, eyes snapping, chin jutting out defiantly, braids tossing, clearly ready for combat. Conrad wondered how in the world they had come to this.

Sean snarled, "I'll bet I know why you won't go. You're just plain scared, like the cowardly little wimp you are! Admit it, Lucy. You wouldn't know bravery if it gave you a punch in the nose!"

"There's a difference between being brave and being stupid, Sean!" Lucy snarled back. "Besides, how would you know? You're the one who's scared of being outside because you might be attacked by a wild bumblebee!"

Conrad tried to intervene, "Look, guys, can't we just settle down and talk about this'?" Before he could continue, Sean whirled on him.

"Stay out of this, Conrad!" he snapped. "I don't need anyone's help to fight a girl!"

Lucy was enraged. "Oh, so we're back to that again, are we? Well, I know one thing, Eustace! At least I’m not immature enough to go around talking like boys are stupid, which they are!"

By this point, Conrad had had enough. He leaped to his feet and yelled as loud as he could, "Will you guys just SHUT UP?!!"

That worked. Sean and Lucy stopped arguing and turned towards Conrad, surprised by his sudden exclamation. Conrad took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Then he said, "Look, arguing like this isn't going to get us anywhere. We need to decide what we're going to do, and we can't do that if you guys keep arguing. Why can't you just work together?"

Sean and Lucy reluctantly nodded. Sean struggled with himself for a minute, and then he turned to Lucy and thrust out his hand. "Truce?" he said.

Lucy hesitated, then clasped his hand. "Truce," she replied.

"Well, now that you have pleasantly resolved your personality conflict, I would like to inquire as to your intentions concerning the narrative that I have related to you."

Luther's voice startled the three kids. They had almost forgotten the owl during their conflict.

"What do you mean?" Lucy asked.

"It is quite uncomplicated, really. Are you going to try to find the Lost Island, to rescue our missing prince? Or, will you elect to remain here and do nothing?"

“I know what I’m doing,” Sean said. I mean, I don’t mean if you stay here, but I’m going to go after the Prince. Don’t you see? It’s why we came! Why else would we be in another world? We’re supposed to find the Lost Island, rescue the prince, and save Sirilan!”

Conrad considered for a moment, then he moved to stand by Sean. “You’re right,” he said. “We can’t just sit around here while Taradash takes over everything! Even if this is another world, if we’re really supposed to search for the Lost Island, than I’m all for it!”

Sean looked gratefully at Conrad, then he turned to Lucy. “Well,” he said, “are you really going to stay behind?”

Lucy had to think. She didn't much like the element of risk in the adventure. If she decided to go, she would be search for an unknown island, to find a missing (and maybe dead) prince, then they would have to take on Taradash's evil horde. She wondered what would happen in Earth if she were killed here. It was not very pleasant to think about.

On the other hand, if she stayed, then she would be left alone at Luther's house. until they returned, if they ever returned. It was beginning to look as if the owl would be accompanying the two boys. So, she would be left behind, to sit and wait while Sean and Conrad were having adventures elsewhere. That terrifying thought clinched the decision. Lucy went and stood by the others. "You can count me in," she said. "I'm certainly not staying behind here, while you go running off without me!"

Luther was immensely delighted that the three had chosen to take on the quest for the Lost Island. The question now was how to go about finding the Lost Island. All they knew was that it was supposed to be somewhere in the Southern Forest, but where? No one knew for sure. The Southern Forest was immense, stretching for hundreds of miles along the southern border of Sirilan. It would take weeks, maybe months, to search the entire forest, and the longer the quest took, the greater the likelihood was that Taradash would find out about it. Then there were the Raccoon Brethren to consider. The more they thought about it, the more they realized that they needed help from someone who knew more about the legend, someone who could tell them which area of the forest to search, or if the Lost Island was in the Southern Forest at all.

Luther had politely offered them some refreshments, which they had gladly accepted. The three kids had returned to the living room, where they sat, wondering about what they should do and how they should go about their quest. All of a sudden, Luther leaped up from his armchair. "Why, I believe I know the very personage we seek!"

"How come you didn't tell us before?" Sean asked.

Luther looked a little offended. "Because I only just recalled him! If I had thought of him earlier, I would have said so!"

"Sorry," Conrad apologized, shooting a warning glare at Sean, "So, who is he?"

"The particular individual of whom I am thinking is known as Evan Ramsey. He is the patrician of the chateau of Rocklawn. He is quite knowledgeable about such matters as the legend of the Lost Island. Moreover, he is an avowed foe of Lord Taradash. Indeed, Taradash would have imprisoned him long ago, except that he is popular with the people. Many times Taradash has sent the Tara Raiders to assassinate Lord Ramsey, but they have always been defeated, for Rocklawn is well fortified, and Lord Ramsey and his attendants are fierce warriors, not to mention his twin progeny who are equally renowned fighters. Thus, Taradash has been unable to eliminate Lord Ramsey. I believe he will be able to provide us with the information we need and provide us with adequate supplies for our quest!”

“Cool,” Sean said, “This guy sounds really interesting. I can’t wait to talk to him!”

Conrad agreed with Sean, but Lucy appeared unsure. Luther asked her, “What is the matter? Do you not agree that Lord Ramsey is the person with whom we need to rendezvous?”

"Well, yes, I suppose, but there’s just something I’m not sure about.” Lucy confessed. She hesitated, wondering if what she wanted to ask would make her sound stupid.

“Pray continue, Lucille,” Luther respectfully urged.

Lucy looked confused. “Oh, um, all right, if you say so. Our Father, who art in heaven…”

Now Luther looked confused. "If I might interrupt for a moment. would you be so kind as to enlighten me on what you are doing?"

"I’m praying,” Lucy said. "You told me to continue praying, which I’m not sure why, ‘cause I hadn’t started, so- What? What’s so funny?”

Sean and Conrad had collapsed into hysterical laughter. They were rolling around on the floor. practically splitting their sides with merriment. After about five minutes. Conrad had managed to get himself under control enough to explain to poor Lucy the cause of their hilarity. Sean was still laughing uncontrollably on the floor.

"Lucy, when Luther told you to 'pray continue', what he meant was that you should continue telling him about what you're not sure about. He didn't mean that you should continue praying!" Conrad had to stifle a giggle.

Lucy remained confused for a minute, then, as the realization of her hilarious mistake hit her, she began to giggle. Soon, she too was merrily laughing along with Conrad and Sean. Even Luther had a restrained chuckle or two.

Eventually, the three kids calmed down and Lucy was able to continue. "What I wasn't sure about was what you said. You said Lord Ramsey was the 'patrician' of the 'chateau' of Rocklawn. Could you maybe explain that?"

"Certainly,” Luther said. "A patrician is an aristocrat. a noble lord. Lord Ramsey serves at the rank of baron. I believe. A chateau is a castle, a fortification, a citadel, a palace. a fortress, a--

"1 think I get the message." interrupted Lucy. "So. when will we get to see him?"

"The castle of Rocklawn is at least five day's time from here, and it is already too late to commence journeying today. We should rest, get some sleep. and inaugurate our grand expedition on the morrow!"

The three kids finished their refreshments, and Luther showed them where they could sleep. As they bedded down for the night, they thought about the events of the day. Sean was excited. His wildest dreams had materialized! He was on an adventure in another world!

 Lucy was beginning to be excited herself, but she was also nervous. The risks of the whole enterprise still worried her.

Conrad was eager to meet Lord Ramsey, but he too was uneasy about the dangers of their quest. He came to the realization that, like it or not, they were stuck in Sirilan, and they would just have to buckle in, grit their teeth, and hang on for the ride.

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2023 me’s comments: Wasn’t that joke funny? Are you not entertained?

Okay, yeah, I know. This was before I had read Douglas Adams and learned about the virtues of a more understated form of humor. Also, I’m sorry if Lucy and Sean’s personality conflict came off as a bit unsubtle, shall we say. I was still working on developing fully rounded characters (Constance the angel wouldn’t appear until I was in college, when she crashed right into the middle of a sequel to my first NaNo novel).

Anyway, next week we’ll see chapter seven and meet Evan Ramsey. Is he a more rounded and mature character? Maybe! I only remember two things about him, and one of them is that he has twin boys! The other thing you’ll see next week!

Until next time,

Michael