The snake wiggled uncomfortably on its chair. It was still trying to work out where to put its tail when the door opened and a man walked in. His white uniform was perfectly cleaned and pressed as usual, the golden lines as shiny as if they had been polished and scuffed that morning, which they almost certainly had. “Oh, hello,” he said in a friendly way. “My name’s Gabriel, but you can call me Gabe; do you need a cushion? I know we’re only just outside the gates of Heaven, a sort of temporary accomodation, so to speak, but even so I can get a cushion for you, or maybe an ottoman you can curl up on. I imagine you’re probably having difficulties with the not having legs anymore situation.”
“I manage,” hissed the snake. “Just get on with it, will you?”
“If you like,” Gabe said agreeably. “Well, to begin, of course you’ve heard about the, ah, incident that happened the other day. Back in the Garden.”
“Of course I have,” the snake said, eyeing him suspiciously. “I understood you caught the one responsible.”
“Well, yes and no,” Gabe said. “That is to say, we caught the main one, the primary, well, evildoer if you will. Oh dear, I’m going to have to get used to saying that now, aren’t I? Now that we have evil introduced into the world. It’s caused a frightful problem, you’ve no idea. Or perhaps you do, which really brings me to my point: you see, we suspect that he, the primary bad guy if you will, had a bit of help.”
“What?” the snake said, confused.
“Well,” Gabe said, “You see, it gets to the question of corporeality. I, and the rest of us in the Heavenly Hosts, have an incorporeal form. We’ve been given the privilege of assuming physical form when we have business down on Earth or when we’re talking with one of you. It helps make you on the mortal side of things more, well, comfortable, y’see. But here’s the thing: the other side works that way too.”
The snake shivered a little. “Th-the other side?”
“Oh, yes,” Gabe said. “Our intelligence indicates that he, you know, the primary evildoer, got into the Garden by borrowing a creature’s physical form. Using that form, with that creature’s full cooperation, he then proceeded to convince the humans to do the one thing they’d been told not to do, and well…”
“Goodbye legs,” the snake said.
“Indeed,” Gabe said, his voice full of sympathy. “Now, we know it was a snake. That was obvious from what the Lord said. The thing is, we’re not perfectly sure which snake. We’d rather like to find that out, in case the other side tries that again. After all, those two humans are very likely to have children, you know, and well, if they get up to trouble there goes the lot of them, you know what I mean?”
The snake bristled (as much as he could, being a snake). “I’m not saying anything!”
“Oh?” came a new voice from a shadowed corner the snake hadn’t noticed before. “Pity.” A second man in a white uniform emerged. His uniform wasn’t nearly as tidy as his partner’s, care-worn with the strain of battle. He kept his hand on the hilt of the sword ever at his side.
“I’ve got it in hand, Mike,” Gabe said. “You really don’t need-”
“That’s Michael,” his partner said. “Commander of the Heavenly Hosts, Safeguard Against the Wickedness and Snares of the Devil. Expect there’ll be a lot of those now. We really had a good thing going, you know? Paradise on Earth. Then the other side and some slimy little collaborator decided to go and ruin it.”
He drew the sword. “I was there at the beginning, you know, when the devil broke away. Lost a lot of good angels. Used to be good angels anyway. Records is still doing the math, but they say a third might’ve gone over. A third.”
Gabe leaned over and whispered to the snake, “He’s still trying to get over that, you know. Quite a few of his friends were in that third.”
“Not my friends anymore,” the Archangel Michael said, testing the edge of the sword.
“You might want to cooperate,” Gabe said, still whispering. “The last time he used that was when the dinosaurs went crazy on us.”
“Wh-what’re dinosaurs?” the snake whispered back.
“Exactly.”
“Let’s start again,” Michael said. “The snake. The one who worked with the other guy. You know where he is?”
“I-I don’t-”
“I’m going to count to ten,” Michael said. “No, seven. Seven’s better.”
“But-but I don’t-”
“One…”
“I-I really-ssssir-ppleassse-”
“Two.”
Gabe stepped smoothly in between. “Now, now, I think we can all take a moment to reflect before any sudden action, all right? Why don’t I have a moment with our friend here, and you go outside and sharpen that a little more, just in case? How would that do?”
“Fine,” Michael growled and stalked outside, slamming the door behind him. He lightened up as soon as he was out of the snake’s view, however.
Ten minutes after, Gabriel, Announcer of the Heavenly Hosts, emerged, smiling thankfully. "Masterful performance there, I must say.”
“Did it work?”
“Of course; we had a very pleasant conversation during which he identified two snakes, five wasps, and a entire species of horned lizard in Australia that are apparently in cahoots with the other side. He also said that the one we’re looking for is a particularly nasty viper named Walter.”
“Walter, huh?” The Archangel drew his sword again. “Well, let’s go see this Walter.”
“Indeed,” Gabriel said. “Same routine again?”
“Might as well,” Michael said. “Maybe we can get more on those others, especially the wasps. I do not like wasps, myself.”
“I don’t either, really. Mystery of creation, that.”
Light flashed and they were gone, descending through the clouds to visit justice upon Earth once again.
Editorial note: this inspiration behind this story came from a conversation with , and : specifically about a buddy cop drama with one angel as the good cop and the other as the bad cop. You can probably sort out who’s who.
Oh absolutely hilarious. Great job!
“I’m going to count to ten,” Michael said. “No, seven. Seven’s better.” 🤣🤣🤣 hilarious!