The Eternal Footman Says Hello

“Hello,” Andrew said. “Welcome to the afterlife. May I take your coat?”

“Welcome to the wha-?” Stephen said, blinking. The last thing he remembered was driving down the road, followed by a sudden shriek of metal and an extremely definite thud. Now quite suddenly he found himself in a well-appointed room with a fireplace along one wall, with an angel standing beside the fireplace coolly reaching for his coat.

“The afterlife,” Andrew said. “I’m terribly sorry about this, but you died. I collected your soul myself, and your processing will begin shortly. I’ll perform a soul-check and we’ll see which direction you’re going, up, down, or somewhere in the middle. By all accounts you’re headed downwards unfortunately, but still one never knows, does one?”

“Well, uh,” Stephen said. He was still trying to come to grips with the enormity of the situation. All at once there was a sudden pop and a third person appeared in the room.

“Hey! Stop that!” the new arrival protested, before turning to Stephen. “Donny, Guardian Corps, AS2. I’ll get this sorted out, don’t worry. Hold that thought.” He turned back on Andrew. “Look, this is all a bit premature, don’t you think? He’s not dead!”

“He was unconscious when I arrived on scene, and he had definitively life-ending injuries,” Andrew said defensively. “He was clearly on the verge of expiration. Duty protocol therefore-”

“The verge isn’t the thing itself!” Donny shot back. “I know I’m relatively new on the Guardian Corps, my prior assignment was in Animal Welfare looking after assorted ducks, but I do know basic first aid! I could’ve saved him!”

“Oh, please.” Andrew allowed himself a diplomatic sniff. “The gentleman was in a smart car which was run over by a cement truck. I doubt very seriously that he would’ve survived. ”

“You don’t know that! He could’ve done!”

“This your first time losing one, then?” Andrew inquired. “Didn’t lose any of the ducks when you were on duck detail? It does happen, you know, quite frequently. You’ll even get used to it before long. Human beings are so terribly fragile; they die off all the time. Not like us, you know.”

“Excuse me,” Stephen interjected. “First, I’d like my coat back, and second, I’m still here, guys, and what do you mean I died?”

“Oh, right, you,” Andrew said. “Yes, I’m discussing that point with your guardian angel, but most likely you have in fact left the mortal plane. Very sad, I know. We’ll start the review of your meaningless life in just a mo-“

He was interrupted as Donny, quite unexpectedly, tore out his golden sword and drove it right through him. Andrew screamed and then all at once his scream changed into a bubbling howl of rage, and he himself changed form, no longer a radiant angel but a creature of slime and dark and far too many tentacles than was good for it.

“Well, lookit you,” Donny said. “Sludgy. Last I saw you was when you were trying to set Shelley the Swan’s tailfeathers on fire. I guess you got a promotion too.”

“How did you know?” the demon hissed. Stephen stepped several rapid paces back and cowered in terror.

“There’s a thin line between pride and righteousness,” Donny said. “You overplayed it right at the end. No life is meaningless. The real Andrew would’ve known that, but I don’t imagine you lot think about that much down there.”

“Pah,” Sludgy snorted. “We’ll get ‘em all in the end, you’ll see.”

“As you said earlier,” Donny replied, raising his sword, “One never knows, does one?”

Sludgey said some extremely inappropriate words and then disappeared in a spew of flame. Donny sighed. “Right, well, that’s over then. As to you, Stephen… Stephen? Oh, there you are. Anyway, I wasn’t lying even though he was. You’re not actually dead. You’ll be fine. Might have to spend a bit of time resting up, though, sorry about that. Anyway, bye now, do good, drink your milk, stay in church, and see you later, all right?” He waved, the room vanished, and Stephen suddenly found himself gasping for breath inside an ambulance which was blaring its way towards the nearest hospital.

Oddly, Stephen didn’t mind so much. There were worse places one could be, after all.