The Battle of Exclamation Point

Editorial Note: Due to circumstances, we are running the below story from our long-forgotten archives in place of the usual Ask the Captain column. Enjoy!

It was a dreary Monday morning, and Edison City was in chaos, even more so than usual. Every banana in the city had spontaneously and inexplicably changed into violent shades of mauve. Thousands of newspapers had hurled themselves out of their paper bins and boxes and merged together to form a gigantic paper Tyrannosaurus Rex, which was now rampaging right down Main Street, emitting a terrible roar as it went.  Thirty cars on Grapefruit Avenue had all at once reared up on their tires and launched into a conga line, to the consternation of their drivers trapped inside. In the center of it all, the nigh-omnipotent supervillain Exclamation Point was laughing hysterically. Being nigh-omnipotent was so freakin’ fun.

"Bam! You're a penguin!" he shouted, waving at a nearby civilian who hadn't yet had time to scramble out of the way. A burst of violet energy sprang from his hand and struck the poor woman, and with a squawk of fright, she duly transformed into a penguin. Exclamation Point doubled over in peals of laughter. This was a mistake. The man had either forgotten, or had never understood in the first place that being all-powerful did not automatically make one all-knowing. He was virtually impossible to beat if his attention was focused directly on you. But if it wasn't...

KAPOW. A sudden blast of flame slammed into the street where he was standing, sending him hurtling end over end through the air. He didn't stop until his face impacted against the black sole of a Starfleet-style boot. Exclamation Point was unconscious before he had time to say "Ow."

Gaseous Girl, one of the many heroic defenders of Edison City, stood triumphantly over his prone form, striking a dramatic pose for the cameras. It was more show than even they knew; Gaseous Girl was perfectly aware that Exclamation Point wouldn't stay knocked out for long. Once he was awake and aware of her, she wouldn't have any chance whatsoever. The last time they'd fought, he'd turned her into a polliwog and threatened to squish her. Fortunately, she'd managed to call for help before she got squished. Now, she used the few precious seconds before Exclamation Point regained consciousness to call on that help again. Clearing her throat, Gaseous Girl declaimed aloud, "Gone, gone, the form of woman; arise, the stupendous Semicolon!"

In a swirl of rainbow light, a nearby ceramic figurine abruptly transformed into a blonde woman with intense green eyes who wore a pair of neon pink bunny slippers. "Hiya," she said. "What's the problem now?"

"Your brother," Gaseous Girl explained. "He's violated Section 42, Paragraph B, line 12 of the Edict of the Punctuation Continuum Regarding Treatment of Non-Continuum Species. I did some reading since last time.”

"Has he really?" Semicolon queried, yawning and brushing a speck of dirt off her bunny slippers. "Oh dear. Are you quite positive?"

Gaseous Girl didn't need to reply. A sudden clanging roar split the air as the Giant Newspapersaurus Rex lurched into view further down the street.

"Ah." Semicolon seemed convinced. She waved her hand, and the paper dinosaur vanished. Across the city, the effects of Exclamation Point's random powers instantly reversed themselves. The cars stopped dancing, the civilian who’d become a penguin changed back into her normal self, and all the city’s bananas changed back into their normal resplendent yellow.

"Well, that was easy.  So...I suppose you'll be wanting me to punish him then? I don't imagine you and your fellow, er, Edisonians could give him another chance, could you?"

"Another chance?" Gaseous Girl repeated, aghast. "Okay, let's say I do. Let's say I let your brother get off scot-free, as long as he promises to be good and not turn anyone into penguins. Now, let's say two days later he goes right back to penguinifying people; what am I supposed to do then? Suppose you're in another dimension this time? What if we can't stop him again?"

"Ooh, yeah, that's a problem; however, I've got a spiffy solution," Semicolon said, snapping her fingers. "There. You're now immune to his powers. Better yet, he can't do anything to anyone so long as you're within line of sight of him. So if he starts making trouble, all you do is show up, look at him, and bam, problem solved. And, one more thing, if he does mess up and you have to take care of him, I'll give you the ability to send him into a wonderful little pocket dimension we’ve set up for things like this. He’ll be stuck there all by himself, which for this guy, let me tell you, that’s the worst.”

“Huh,” Gaseous Girl said. “And I do that how?”

“Just click your heels once and sing the first line of the chorus of Baby Shark.”

“You’re kidding,” Gaseous Girl said.

It was right about then that Exclamation Point woke up. He quickly assessed the situation and immediately launched into a tearful performance worthy of an Oscar, promising that he would never, ever, ever even think about penguinifying anyone, or turning newspapers into dinosaurs, or anything even remotely mischievous. He looked so penitent and sincere that Gaseous Girl finally relented. "Alright, alright, you've got one more chance. One. So don't push it." Flame trailing in her wake, Gaseous Girl lifted off from the ground and soared dramatically into the sky, wondering as she flew whether she was doing the right thing.

Exclamation Point's bout of good behavior lasted for precisely two days. Then, on Wednesday, he decided to go for lunch. Knowing that the citizens of Edison City were likely still wary of the supposedly reformed supervillain, Exclamation Point disguised himself as an ordinary person. He thought it might be an interesting experience; he had spent so long living as a nigh-omnipotent being that he'd forgotten how exactly ordinary humans went about their mundane existence. He figured lunch would be a good chance to observe these strange creatures. He probably should have ordered takeout.

Casually he strolled into the Fried Egg, Edison City's most popular greasy-spoon diner, sat down in one of its many vinyl booths, and asked the waitress for a Coke and a grilled cheese sandwich. He asked her to leave off the pickle, as Exclamation Point had recently discovered that he didn't much care for pickles. Unfortunately, the waitress was tired and overworked, and moreover was worried about her fiance who had not returned her last five texts. Worse, at that very moment another waitress dropped a stack of plates, and her already wandering mind was even more distracted. It was a perfectly understandable sort of thing, really, could've happened to anyone, but the sad fact was that she neglected to write down Exclamation Point's no-pickle request.

Thus, ten minutes later, Exclamation Point found himself staring in shock and growing fury at a grilled cheese sandwich topped by a lone, inoffensive green pickle slice. His eyes glowed with violet energy. The waitress didn't even have time to squawk before her penguinification. For good measure, Exclamation Point snapped his fingers and penguinified everyone else in the Fried Egg, and then changed the restaurant itself into an Arctic ice floe. Even that didn't quench his wrath, and so he began firing off scorching energy beams at everything around him: waitresses, streetlamps, skyscrapers, cars, utility poles, fliers, sidewalk benches, candy wrappers, and everything else he could think of. His mad laughter rang out once again in the city streets.

“Gaseous Girl can’t stop me now,” he said, “My sister’s gone on sabbatical in the eighth dimension! She won’t be back until next Saturday! And by then..” he smiled. “By then, this city will be-”

“Not yours,” cut in the last person he wanted to hear from.

Gaseous Girl had been across town, foiling a relatively minor bank robbery, when she saw a news alert on a nearby television reporting that Exclamation Point had started up again. Without a word she rocketed into the sky. Two minutes later, she dropped down right into the path of one of Exclamation Point's violet rays. It bounced harmlessly off the sleeve of her dark purple uniform. As she advanced upon Exclamation Point, a cold look in her grey eyes, the effects of his powers rapidly undid themselves around him. The waitress depenguinified, as did everyone else who’d been hit, and the diner returned from the ice flow to its usual greasy state.

Gaseous Girl didn’t waste time in applause. She burped fiercely at the supervillain and sent him hurtling into the air, five blocks westward, where he landed ignominiously in a Dumpster. Gaseous Girl flew up quickly beside the Dumpster, careful not to let him out of her line of sight. She clicked her heels together, wishing that there wasn't such a crowd nearby, and began singing through gritted teeth, "Baby shark, doo doo doo-"

Exclamation Point might've temporarily lost his powers, but he still had a fairly wide knowledge of martial arts techniques. He clambered angrily out of the Dumpster and launched himself in a flying kick at Gaseous Girl. His kick landed on her stomach, and she fell backward in her turn, colliding unpleasantly with the side of a parked garbage truck. She fell face-forward onto the ground, and Exclamation Point quickly slammed his boot into her back, pinning her down with her face scrunched against the asphalt of the road. His fists clenched as he felt his power returning. "Loophole!" he shouted triumphantly as he penguinified half a dozen unfortunate onlookers. "You can't see me, you can't stop me!"

"Wanna bet," Gaseous Girl retorted, though, given her position face-down on the road, it came out as "Muffle wirp?" Then, with a last desperate effort, she shoved herself up on her elbow. Exclamation Point wobbled, momentarily losing his balance. "Hey, what're you-"

"Baby shark," Gaseous Girl said, clearly and distinctly as she could. "Doo doo, doo doo, doo doo.”

Lightning cracked through the air, and Exclamation Point vanished in a scream of immortal terror. He wouldn't be seen in Edison City for a very, very long time. And so the city was saved once again.