Gaseous Girl and the Winds of Time 13: Arresting Developments
She's a flying brick with the power to control one of the fundamental states of matter, but no one takes her seriously. That's about to change.
Previously, Gaseous Girl and Evil Madeleine had just been saved from a revolution in hell by centaurs wielding proton-torpedo bazookas. However, they’re still in the Seventh Circle, and they’re not out of the infernal woods yet…
The rebellion in hell had been crushed. The rebels were armed with World War Two vintage weapons, impressive enough in their own way, but completely outclassed by the proton-torpedo bazookas of the Seventh Circle Defense Corps. Madeleine stood at the edge of Phlegethon, trying not to throw up as the foul smell of boiling blood rose to meet her. "Ew," said Evil Madeleine, who had regained consciousness. "That stinks. That’s why I usually just torch ‘em. No muss no fuss, you know?"
“Not really," Madeleine said. "But then I haven’t murdered anyone in a minute, not being evil and all. Anyway, now that's over, I guess we can go on."
The centaur lieutenant, Jinx MacPhee, gave a little cough. "Er, sorry, but I'm afraid there's a bit of difficulty."
Madeleine sighed. "Okay, what's the problem now?"
Before MacPhee could answer, a centaur junior officer galloped up and handed an envelope to MacPhee. He ripped it open and read the contents. Then he looked up again at the two Madeleines. The look in his face had gone cold, all business. Madeleine's stomach clenched. "Right,” he said. “Just as I thought. You're both under arrest. Charge is insubordination. Breaking out of hell. Inspiring a revolt. Etc."
"Yeah?" Evil Madeleine said, flaming up. "You and what army?"
"Oh, you idiot," Madeleine Prime said. MacPhee smiled, and gave a sharp whistle. Twenty centaurs galloped down upon them. The two Madeleines were surrounded by proton-torpedo bazookas.
"This one will do, I think, " MacPhee said.
"So, where are you going to take us?" Madeleine Prime said in resignation.
MacPhee looked at the envelope again. "You get Circle Six."
"But that's for heretics," Madeleine said. "I’m not that."
"You'd rather go in the flaming river of blood with the Nazis, then?"
Madeleine Prime looked at Phlegethon. It still smelled horrible. "So. Flaming river, or locked up in a tomb with heretics. I guess I'll go heretic."
"Aye. You will."
An hour later, Madeleine Prime was alone inside a stone beehive of rock. The walls glowed dimly red. She couldn't see outside, and she didn't know where her evil counterpart was. She also didn't know how she was going to escape this one. The universe was in peril, and here she was stuck in the sixth circle of hell. It was maddening.
“Okay,” she said to herself. “Let’s not obsess over this. How do I get out?” She tried flame-blasting the rock open. It didn't work. She tried again. Still no luck. Then she faced a new problem. Flame consumed air, and there wasn't all that much air inside her prison to be going on with. Madeleine had been trying hard not to think about whether she was alive, or dead, or somewhere in between, and what that would mean if she got killed in hell. As the air grew thinner, Madeleine realized she might just have to think about it.
Then, a ghostly thin voice echoed in the stone chamber. "Have you repented of your heresy?" it said somberly.
"What heresy was that, exactly?"
"The heresy for which you were condemned here, in eternal torture," the voice said.
"Oh, yeah, I wasn’t," Madeleine said.
"Do you truly not comprehend the way in which you have departed from the light of truth?"
Madeleine sighed. "Look, thing is, I'm only here because I didn’t want to go in the blood river, okay? I was on my way out of this place, trying to save the universe, and the centaur guys arrested me. I wasn't committing any heresy or anything like that. I mean, yeah, I haven't been to confession in a while, but there was the Near-Apocalypse of '11, and Father Milo said he understood, and then-"
The disembodied voice actually seemed shocked. "But... but this infernal circle is reserved only for those who have committed heresy in life, those who forever face the consequences of their sinful departure from-"
Madeleine's eyebrows shot up. You could only just see her eyebrows, lit by the red light of the flames of hell that played across the beehive walls. "Wait, wait, hold up. So, if you haven't committed heresy, you shouldn't be here. And I haven't. Therefore..."
She still couldn't see whoever was speaking, but she could almost hear the wince in the voice as it realized it had let the proverbial cat out of the bag. It hemmed and hawed for a bit, but finally, it gave up. "Very well. Since you do not appear to have committed heresy, you cannot be committed in this prison. You are free to go. But I will be making inquiries of this with the centaurs in Circle Seven. And be sure to reflect upon your own sins, whatever they may be!"
"Yeah, yeah, so's your mother," Madeleine said. A crack appeared in the wall, and it opened wide. Madeleine shot out into the red light of hell. Then she looked around. "Okay, where's the evil me?"
The voice, now a bit louder, huffed. “Wait a moment.” Then after a long pause, she heard it again. “Apparently your counterpart was sent on up to Circle Five to be plunged eternally in the River Styx."
Madeleine rolled her eyes. "Wonderful. At least it's one circle closer to the exit. Honestly, I really do hate this place."
"It's hell," said the voice, as Madeleine rose upwards, readying to fly on. "You were expecting what, exactly?"
"Good point."