Gaseous Girl and the Winds of Time 14: Ferry, River, and Rain
She's a flying brick with the power to control one of the fundamental states of matter, but no one takes her seriously. That's about to change.
Previously, Madeleine Prime had escaped from the prison of heretics in Sixth Circle of Hell and now races towards Circle Five to rescue Evil Madeleine. Little does she know the surprises that await her…
Madeleine Prime stood on the banks of the river Styx, in the fifth circle of hell. She'd seen some nice rivers in her day, winding gently across the landscape like glimmering blue threads, rolling on towards a distant sea. This river looked like it had been spit out of one toilet and wanted to roll on right back into another one. It gurgled foully at her and she backed up swiftly from the bank. "It's a good thing I can fly," she said. "Oh, but wait. I can't just fly over this thing; I've got to find my evil twin in it somehow. Life sucks."
"Don't it, though?" said a voice. Madeleine spun wildly. One tended to get jumpy about hearing sudden voices in hell.
The speaker, a moon-faced troll in overalls, was standing several feet away, next to a creaky wooden boat that had scudded up on the shore. "Hi," it grunted. "Phlegyas Delahanty. I go by Phlegm. Ya wanna ride?"
Madeleine looked askance at the boat. "Will that even sail?"
"Course it will," the troll said. "Ain't a brick. It's got a motor and everythin'."
Madeleine wished she had her car right then. Not a lousy boat with a motor and everything, but her own sturdy car. Even though she could fly, she’d maintained a car for civilian secret identity purposes, and she’d come to like the thing. Her car wasn't great either, not one of your sporty models, but it was hers, and she loved it. She had named it Jenny.
Suddenly she had an overwhelming flash of car-sickness. She wasn't really homesick; home, for her, was a tiny little apartment with odd stains in the floor and paper-thin walls, which she could just barely afford and wouldn't miss. Jenny probably missed her. Jenny would be sitting there in her narrow parking space, wondering why she had been neglected, as oil puddled in a hurt way on the asphalt below her. Madeleine could still remember where the keys had been left. They would be in her purse on the folding table in her apartment, along with a tube of lipstick and a pair of sunglasses and a pen. She would probably never write with that pen again. Madeleine, for the first time in her trip through hell, broke down.
Phlegm rummaged about in his overalls. "Here," he said finally, shoving a grey rag at her.
She took it and wiped her eyes. "Thanks," she said. "It's been a tough day."
"Figured. Bein' in hell and all."
"Yeah. So. I do need a ride. But I also need to find someone. She'll be in there." Madeleine waved towards the river. "Looks like me. But a bit more evil."
"Don't suppose ya could delineate the spot a bit, could ya?"
"No. Sorry."
Just then, a cloud of steam billowed up in the distance. A high voice came shrieking over the water. They were too far to make out what it said, but it sounded furious.
"Then again...."
Phlegm's boat, with Madeleine aboard, soon reached the trouble spot. Evil Madeleine was in the river yelling invective at several people, who were all yelling right back at her. Madeleine remembered that Circle Five was where the wrathful and sullen were imprisoned. Apparently the wrathful were also quite knowledgeable about insults and expletives. Madeleine's ears went red. Some of those words described physical actions she wouldn't have even imagined were possible, let alone hygenic. Even Phlegm seemed a bit appalled.
Evil Madeleine finally seemed to get tired of screaming and launched herself forward at the swearing crowd. She tripped over a lump in the muck, fell flat in the river, and came up like a firecracker, spluttering in muddy anger.
Madeleine Prime whipped up beside her in the boat, cutting her off from the mad crowd. "Oh, come on," she said, snatching her evil twin by her shirt and pulling her aboard. "We've only got four more circles to go."
“[bleep]you you [bleeping]-” Evil Madeleine screamed.
The boat scudded up on the further shore of the Styx. Madeleine Prime climbed out, dragging her evil self behind her. “See you ‘round, Phlegm,” she said. “Hope I don’t, though. You understand.”
“Yeah,” the troll said, laughing. “No kiddin’.” He paddled his ferry back, further down the swampy river.
The two Madeleines, one considerably more reluctant than the other, pressed on into Circle Four, which was more disorienting than Madeleine Prime at least expected. Crowds of people were running around in circles, pushing huge boulders back and forth. The rocks crashed against each other, and then they all went round and did it again. As Madeleine Prime passed one group, she heard one of the rock-pushers yell at another, "Why do you hoard?"
"Why do you squander?" the second rock-pusher shouted back.
"Why don't you shut up?" Madeleine snapped. She was beginning to get a headache, and the sound of rocks crashing together all around her didn't help in the least. Rather than walk through the crowds of people, she powered up and rose into the air, Evil Madeleine trailing along behind. From her height, she could see across the circle, to a distant greyness that reminded her of a November rainstorm. "Lovely," Madeleine said. "Of course I forgot to bring my umbrella down here."
"Hey, who's that?" Evil Madeleine said. "She looks sketchy."
"This, from you?" Madeleine Prime said. Then she took a hard look where her counterpart indicated. A woman, black-haired and tall, stood in the distance near the storm, but still inside the bounds of Circle Four. She looked very grim. "You may have a point..." Madeleine Prime said. She thought about flying away, but that storm looked to be Circle Three, and they had to go that way anyway. If they were going to confront a mysterious unknown, they might as well get on with it.
As the two Madeleines approached, the woman pulled out a flashcard. "Right, Pape Satàn, pape Satàn aleppe, blah blah blah."
"You're not Pluto," Madeleine said, in mild surprise.
"No, I'm Rain," she said. "Temporary incarnation of Death. Pluto's away right now, so I'm filling in. And no, I don't know what that saying means. It's standard. And yes, I know there’s angels that handle the death thing too, and I’ve had discussions with them, and anyway, none of that’s important right now."
"Oh. Well, nice to meet you, we’ll be going on now-"
"Hang on," said Rain acidly. "I'm actually on your side, you know. I've been down here before, saved a planet from sacrificing people to a volcano spirit, and so on. The point is, you're in danger."
"It's hell," Madeleine returned. "I'm used to it. What's the problem now?"
Rain gestured back at the storm. "Up ahead? That's Circle Three. Gluttons wallowing about in eternal slush, real messy. And right past that is Circle Two, where the lustful are blown about forever in a violent windstorm."
"I've read Dante," Madeleine said. She was still trying to get a handle on Rain. The incarnation of Death wasn't carrying a scythe, didn't have a skull for a face, and didn't speak in all capitals, but she still had that solemn air of doom hovering about her. Madeleine knew Rain had a story somewhere. She wondered if she'd ever find out what it was.
"Yes, well, I don't know about Circle Three, but you're going to meet some friends in Two."
"Friends?" Madeleine, a little uncomfortably, ran through her list of deceased acquaintances, wondering which of them would've been condemned to hell for the particular vice that was the domain of the Second Circle. Ever since her high school breakup, she hadn't dated much herself, hadn't even read any literature more romantic than the Song of Solomon for a church study group. Then she gasped. "Not-"
"Yep."
She remembered it like yesterday. The high school winter formal. Lizzie Dern had made off, and out, with her high school boyfriend, Ben Wizowsky. She’d never spoken to him after that, never found out what became of them. In her most heartbroken moments Madeleine had wished he would go to hell. She had never actually expected to meet him there.