Christmas in Edison City

A light snow gently drifted from the sky.  A few cars picked their way through the slush that mucked up the streets, but for the most part, hardly anyone was about in Edison City, which made sense since it was nearly three in the morning and the only establishments open at that time of night were gas stations, and the odd all-night pharmacy here and there. Thus, the small screech of a sleigh runner scraping across a rooftop in the suburbs went almost unnoticed.

Almost, but not quite. Hardly had Santa stepped out onto the rooftop when a new and unexpected sound shattered the peaceful stillness of the Christmas night. This wasn’t the prancing and pawing of little reindeer hooves, oh no, this was the harsh metallic click of a handgun being dramatically cocked. And not just any handgun, no, this was a weapon clutched in the eager hands of one of the city’s less-respected supervillains: Commander Cockroach. “Freeze, you!” he barked, his rasping voice quite unnerving the reindeer.

“I don’t believe this,” Santa said, utterly bewildered. “I thought all the supervillains had promised not to attack on Christmas Eve!”

“What kinda bonehead promise is that?” Commander Cockroach asked derisively. “‘sides, I ain’t part of the whole supervillain crowd, see? I’m whatchacall independent, see?”

Santa didn’t, really. “But…but I’m Santa Claus! If you shoot me, you’ll ruin Christmas for millions of children around the world!”

“Yeah, so?” the commander replied. “I gotta reputation to make. People lookit me and they think I’m just a stupid bug. I get all the wisecracks about skitterin’ away from bright lights, whether my nemesis is Super Shoe or Raid Man, all that. I’m a respectable bad guy, see? I got resilience! I could survive a freakin’ nuclear war, y’ know!”

“Dear oh dear,” Santa sympathized, shaking his head. “Your predicament does sound awful.”

“Tell me about it! So I figure, if I can take care of you, then they’ll have to give me some respect, right?”

Santa had cautiously moved his gloved hand towards his bag, and now he surreptitiously produced an object. “I doubt it,” he said sadly. “If your friends don’t respect you now, with the abilities you already have, why would they respect you after this?”

“Y’ think so?” Commander Cockroach said.

“You know,” Santa continued, “I think I’ve met you before. Or perhaps I’ve read some of your letters…isn’t your real name Gregory?”

“Yeah! How’d you know?”

Santa smiled his jolliest smile. “I’m Santa Claus, naturally. And I remember, when you were seven you asked for a teddy bear, and you got one, and then you never wrote again. I assumed perhaps your older brother had stolen it. That does happen on occasion…”

“Eh, I set the thing on fire. Blazin’ teddy bears, ah, that was fun.”

“Well. Yes. Anyway, I thought perhaps you might like this.” Santa produced a brand new teddy bear and held it out towards Commander Cockroach. “Merry Christmas!”

The commander blinked. “Are you outa yer mind? You think givin’ me a teddy bear will instantly make me stop bein’ evil and turn to the side of good? What kinda supervillain you think I am? Honestly! Y’ know what, here’s what I think of your stinkin’ teddy bear!”

The gun bucked in his hand. A loud blam echoed across the rooftops, and the reindeer squealed in panic. The teddy bear’s head exploded in a shower of fluff.

“And now,” Commander Cockroach sneered coldly, “now f’r you, Santa!”

He took aim straight at St. Nicholas, his finger tightened on the trigger, and then there was a flash of red and white and the gun went spiraling into the air. “Wha-” Commander Cockroach said before a powerful fist slammed into his vertebrae and sent him toppling from the roof, landing smack on a rosebush festooned with lights. “Ow…” he whimpered from below. He stopped whimpering when a soccer ball walloped him in the head.

“Santa!” Captain Happily Married said with obvious concern. “Are you unharmed?”

“Yes, but I fear this teddy bear is nigh-irreparable,” Santa replied. “I confess I had forgotten about the risks involved in making deliveries to cities with supervillains in them.”

“Yeah, welcome to our neighborhood,” Super Soccer Mom said wryly. “Sorry about all this.”

“I’m just relieved you two were here to help.”

“Well, we had one more gift to get for the kiddoes. Left it till the last minute, and we still couldn’t find it. And of course nothing’s really open now. I don’t suppose…”

Santa smiled. “Leave it to me,” he said. “I am rather in your debt, after all. You did just save Christmas.” With that, his nose twitched and he was down the chimney, leaving Super Soccer Mom and Captain Happily Married alone with the reindeer. “God bless us, every one!” Captain Happily Married observed.

“Ditto,” Super Soccer Mom said. “Now, you want to take care of the commander down there or you want me to?”

They ended up taking the commander off to supervillain jail together. There was a slight difficulty in booking him in, as the records only showed a “Captain” Cockroach, not a “Commander” Cockroach. Fortunately, they soon realized that they had the right person after all; the hapless supervillain had simply given himself a promotion. With that settled, he was ensconced in a secured cell, and Captain Happily Married and Super Soccer Mom raced back home to finish wrapping presents (super speed helps remarkably with that). They, like the rest of Edison City’s heroes, would be spending a happy holiday season with their families.

And so, as Captain Happily Married observed (if I may borrow the phrase), a merry Christmas to all, and God bless us, every one.

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Stay tuned for New Year’s Day when we begin a new serial involving Meg Atomic! Meg Atomic’s love life! The Malevolent Med-Student! And… aliens!

Until next time,

Michael