All was quiet around the Palace of the Divine Majesty, as one would expect. Guards patrolled their usual rounds, alert but not overmuch. It had been years since anyone had dared an open assault in force, and as for sneak attacks, robberies and the like, well, there hadn’t been too many of them either. Even if a burglar somehow scaled the outer wall and slip unseen across the wide Courtyard of Munificence, a worthy feat itself, he would still have to get through the inner wall with its many towers and battlements, and then through yet another courtyard, the Garden of Delightful Wonder, before he finally got to the palace itself.
If one made it that far, a burglary would admittedly be child’s play after that; the inner palace doors weren’t guarded and even the Holy Treasuries weren’t so much as locked, despite the vast amounts of gold and precious stones they contained, but what was the point? The outer fortifications were so well protected that it wasn’t as if anyone could get through. It wasn’t as if, say, during a Grand Welcoming Ceremony in which the outer doors were opened and the Divine Majesty extended the Royal Hand of Greeting to the Ambassador from some minor kingdom or other that somebody wearing ragged servant’s garb and looking like nobody in particular might be able to slip in amidst all the parading and the dancing and secrete themselves in an out-of-the-way corner and then wait, very very patiently, until much later that night when all the excitement had died down, and everyone else had gone home, and the lights were put out, and all had gone silent in the inner court.
All this Faro, Master of Thieves, had done. Nobody knew of him, and he much preferred it that way. You only knew of the greatest thieves after they were caught. Faro had no intention of being caught at all. So far all his trouble had paid off; now he moved soundlessly through the dark to the palace door, opened it with the softest of touches, and crept quiet as possible through the slumbering hallways.
Within moments he had reached the First Chamber of the Holy Treasuries and was inside. Before him lay tables groaning with chests of golden bars, piles of diamonds and rubies, treasures beyond compare. More practically, he faced the real deterrent to the treasure’s theft; it was nearly impossible to carry it all off without a small army of men, or a great deal of time, or both, and that one simply could not do without being discovered. The most one could hope for, even assuming one could get inside, was to grab a fistful of gold coins and run for it, and there were so many less troublesome ways to get the same amount of gold that it simply wasn’t worth it to try stealing this.
Unless, of course one were Faro, Master of Thieves, and one had brought along a little surprise. He now reached into his pocket and pulled out a small bronze lamp, tarnished with age. Then he let his fingers slide, just a little, along the lamp’s edge.
He expected a lot of things in that moment. Smoke, a sudden eerie presence, a voice from the depths perhaps. What he most certainly did not expect was a tremendous timpani drum roll, the flourish of a million trumpets, and an incomprehensibly loud voice booming, “LAAADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PRESENTING, FOR YOURRRR WISH-GRANTING ENJOYMENT, THE ONE, THE ONLYYYYYY LULUUUUUUU!”
Fireworks exploded in the Holy Treasury as lights brighter than a hundred suns shone from the lamp and reflected off the gold and jewels in blazes of glory. Triumphal chords such as had not been heard in a generation resounded through the vaulted ceilings as, in a final flash of dazzling brilliance, the genie Lulu herself appeared. “HEEEEEEY FAAAAAARO!” she said in a voice so loud it could be heard all over the city, never mind the palace. “I AM LULU, YOUR WISH-GRANTING GENIE! LET”S GET THIS PARTY STARTED!”
What Faro, Master of Thieves, said couldn’t be heard under all the tumult and was lost to history forever afterwards, but one thing is certain; it wasn’t very party-appropriate at all.
This story was written for @Scoot’s Flash Fiction Friday prompt: I started thinking about the worst time for fireworks and this was what resulted. Thanks for reading!
Nicely done, Michael.
“HEEEEEEY FAAAAAARO!"
I read this in the voice of Lou Costello ("HEYYYYY ABBOTT!").