Ask the Captain Special: AMA!
The 100th Post
Editorial Note: today is my 100th post since I’ve joined the ‘Stack; since then I’ve organized things a bit more than I had when I started, made friends, left Twitter (X, etc.), and jumped into Notes (fun!). To celebrate the occasion, for today’s Ask the Captain column, I decided to throw it open for an Ask Me Anything-type deal, except strictly speaking it’s an Ask the Captain/Super Soccer Mom type-deal, but ATCSSM seems a bit clunky. Anyway. Roll film!
Captain Happily Married: "Greetings, citizens!
Super Soccer Mom: Justin, it’s just us two, reading questions and answering them by ourselves. You can turn down the superhero voice.
CHM: I know, you’re right, Tasha m’love, but I get carried away in the excitement! A multi-question column! Transcribed no less! It’s a great day for Edison City!
SSM: Sure it is, dear. Seymour, project the first question, would you please?
Seymour: Our first question is from at the Warthog Report who wants to know who is the most pathetic villain you have ever faced.
CHM: Well obviously that would be all of them! Evil is always pathetic when matched against the unfailing righteousness of good!
SSM: *sighs audibly*. Actually, you’re going to love this, we’ve got a guy who calls himself the Rogue Jaywalker. That’s his thing. No powers, no gadgets, nothing. He just … walks right across the street when he’s not supposed to. We don’t even know why; there’s no tragic backstory, no secret power gems that he gets if he jaywalks, he just does it. Once in a while he switches it up just for laughs and he waits when he should go. Oh, he’s a scream, this guy. Next question, Seymour?
Seymour: Next we have
for who asks why you want to save the world? Is it to achieve world domination or for noble reasons?SSM: Look, I have seven kids, plus this guy. You think I have enough time to manage the world in the bargain? Did I mention all seven have their own powers? Also two of ‘em are twins and they can duplicate themselves? I don’t want to take over the world; I just want to keep the city safe for the kids, that’s all.
CHM: Indeed! And besides, what else would I do with my awesome powers besides save the world? When one has the ability to hurl a unity candle with deadly accuracy, one has the responsibility to use that power, well, responsibly!
SSM: Exactly. Next question, Seymour?
Seymour: Finally, we have of who asks how much time in the day you allocate for fighting crime, and how much to chores and attending to normal human duties? Does the Captain have a messy home because he’s out all the time?
CHM: This is where my Extra-Matrimonial Senses come into play, because you see, we solved this dilemma a long time ago! We take shifts!
SSM: Well, yeah; we alternate patrol nights. If something comes up and we both have to handle, like when Behemoth Bob gets out or the Collapsing Durham Anomaly, we call the babysitter and she looks after the kids till we get back. She’s got powers that help with that, absorption, Nap Elementals, that kind of thing. Also, there’s Seymour, my cybernetically enhanced soccer ball. It’s a long story, but I can link up to electronic objects with my mind, and Seymour’s wired up for all kinds of neat tricks. If I need to distract the twins? I buzz Seymour to project the latest Paw Patrol episode. Remove burn marks from Sauna’s uniform? Seymour. Call my oldest to make sure she knows to meet us at the Miraculous Minivan after the concert? I call Seymour. Seymour’s my eyes and ears, and he’s dead useful.
CHM: Hey, why don’t I have a Seymour?
SSM: Because you can fly, dear.
CHM: Oh, right. Well, that about wraps things up for this week! Everyone stay safe out there! In justice!
SSM: …One of these days, hon, you might need to rethink that.
The Rogue Jaywalker just sounds like the average Bostonian. I liked this, would be fun to see this format again sometime.