Ask the Captain: Saving Andy

Hello and welcome to our weekly advice column by Captain Happily Married, Edison City’s heroic defender against evil, injustice, and interpersonal conflicts! Today’s topic: time travel!

Dear Captain, sir,

I think we’ve met, once before, my name is Andy? Well, Andrew, really, but you can call me Andy, that’s what Meg does, em, anyway, I’ve got a problem. I was testing out my gravity powers, and somehow they, I don’t know, did…*voice cracks* something…with time, and I’m lost in a jungle somewhere. Also I think I just saw a dinosaur. It looks like a planteater, but I could be wrong, I really don’t know and I’ve tried to get home and all I managed was a really small wormhole and it’s about to collapse and I hope this gets through and oh my God please don’t eat me-

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Meanwhile, at a seemingly unassuming suburban residence…..

“Tasha?” Captain Happily Married said. “I need to borrow the Time-Displace-O-Ray!”

“What’s up?” Super Soccer Mom asked, waving Seymour over.

The Captain gestured to the spot above his newspaper where the micro-wormhole had been just moments before. “Andy, the boy we met when I fought the giant elephant robot, the one Meg was dating. He seems to be in trouble!”

Super Soccer Mom knew enough about sentence construction to deduce that Meg hadn’t been dating the giant elephant-bot. “Seymour, analysis!” she said to her cybernetically-enhanced soccer ball. It zipped over and unleashed a mauve ray that rapidly scanned the area; that done, it projected its findings on the nearest wall.

“Hm,” Super Soccer Mom said. “I’ll say you need the TDOR; looks like our friend Andy’s got himself stuck in the late Cretaceous period.”

"I see,” Captain Happily Married said thoughtfully. “I suppose we couldn’t just….leave him there, could we?”

“Justin!” Super Soccer Mom said in shock. “He’s about twenty minutes before the comet!”

“Oh, the comet, right, of course,” the Captain said. “It’s just…well…”

Super Soccer Mom sighed. “I know. But she is growing up, and she’s probably going to date somebody. Better him than, say, the Malevolent Med-Student. Or that kid that turns into toxic sludge.”

“Indeed,” the Captain said, with a shudder. “Right, should we both go?”

“Let’s,” she said. “I’ll fire the ray, you punch the dinosaurs.”

And so the world Meg Atomic’s boyfriend was saved once again.

If you’d like to submit questions to be answered by Captain Happily Married, leave a comment below, or send an email with your question!