Editorial note: this week’s question was forwarded to the Captain by Sara Dietz of
.Hello and welcome to our weekly advice column by Captain Happily Married, Edison City’s heroic defender against evil, injustice, and interpersonal conflicts! Today’s topic: romance!
Dear Captain,
So, you remember last Christmas when the Malevolent Med-student and his minion, what’s her name, attacked our party and got the smackdown from Babysitter Girl? I remember, ‘cause it was the same night I asked Jill Polarity to marry me. Should’ve taken that as a sign, I guess. I don’t know.
Well, yeah, anyway, she says yes, and we start planning, and then last night I go out on patrol and I see someone robbing a bank. I figure it’s the usual smash and grab, you know, so I summon my powers, commune with the forces of nature, all that jazz. Not much to commune with downtown, but there’s still a few trees and weeds, not to mention all your bugs, your pigeons, stuff like that. I’m going in and I see the bad guy turn and it’s not a guy, it’s a her. Well, it’s her. You know. She’s wearing a different mask and calling herself Polarizer but I know it’s really Jill Polarity, right? I ask her hey, what the heck?
And then we have a fight. I have a dozen pigeons poop on her head, she throws a couple dumpsters and a car at me, the police show up at last and we both scram.
Now I don’t know what to do. Should I call her? Wait to see if she calls me? Should we still get married? I mean, we’re on opposite sides here! What do I do, Cap?
Sincerely,
Mr. Ecosystem
Dear Mr. Ecosystem,
Oh my! Jill Polarity succumbed to the proverbial dark side? One of our heroic colleagues turned villain? This is unthinkable! Is it possible that this was her evil twin, or Jill Polarity from another dimension, or perhaps a terrible misunderstanding and the entire bank robbery was actually carried out by an invisible person or persons as yet unknown? If so, we must find them! If not, then we need to confront your fiancé and ask her to explain herself! Remind her that despite what she may read online, the dark side does not have cookies, and even if they do, those are but mere imitations, made with the rotten eggs of treachery which can only result in the inevitable salmonella of doubt and despair!
Hey, Eco, this is Super Soccer Mom cutting in. You’ll have to forgive the Captain; he’s off on metaphors again. Anyway, here’s what you do. Calm down, breathe, don’t trip, and then go talk to her. Discuss whether her being a supervillain is going to work out in your relationship. Also, I’m sending you a piece of thrudanium crystal. Weird stuff. Extremely rare. It nullifies magnetic properties or something like that; basically, it’ll give you an edge on Jill Polarity or Polarizer or whatever she’s calling herself if you need it.
Good luck, in justice, etc.,
Super Soccer Mom
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