Editorial Note: in lieu of our regularly scheduled Ask the Captain column, here’s a short glimpse into the daily lives of our heroes, Captain Happily Married and Super Soccer Mom! And the kids!
“Mommy, the world tilts!”
“Yes, Caden, it does,” Super Soccer Mom said automatically. Her voice had a faint buzz to it; it often did when she mentally interfaced with her electronically enhanced soccer ball robot Seymour. “Justin, what about the Wombat?”
The Captain’s voice resounded from Seymour’s speakers, punctuated by small thuds. “Tasha, you cannot be serious! The Boundless Burrower?”
“Suppose the expedition finds something, like another planet?” Tasha said sensibly. “It might have something going on underground. We might need a good burrower. Hang on.” She turned from trying to corral her multiplying twins and yelled at another of her children, who was just about to set fire to a laundry hamper. “Sauna, we talked about this; no igniting anything inside the house! That’s why we set up the Cold Room, remember?”
“Moooo-oom,” the teenager whined.
“But, mommy,” Caden, somewhat younger, said again. “The world tilts!”
“Yes, it does do that,” Super Soccer Mom said. She was long used to handling Caden’s many morning questions; gifted with the power of not needing to sleep, he stayed up nights instead and devoured books on all subjects. Apparently last night he had tackled geophysics. Then she divided her attention again. “Justin, I’m back. Wait, hold on again. Sauna Aurora Case, you stop that right-“
“Sorry,” Sauna grumbled, slamming her door. There was a faint whiff of ash.
“Back again,” Super Soccer Mom said. “How’s the battle going?”
She heard five or six thuds, each sounding progressively louder. Then she heard the Captain yelling “Son of a mailman!” followed by the distinctively muted thud-crack sound of a unity candle being hurled at a large metal robot.
“Right, then, sounds like things are under control,” she said, switching away momentarily. The twins are splitting themselves all over the living room. “Jamie! Jeremy! Pull yourselves together right now! All of you!”
“Mommy, it tilts!” Caden insisted. “Won’t we fall off?”
“That’s ridic-” she started to say. Then she looked into her child’s wide eyes, and realized he really was quite concerned that the tilting of the world meant that he and everyone he knew might plunge into the void of space.
“Well,” she began. Then Seymour’s speakers buzzed. “Tasha?” came the Captain’s strained voice. “I might require some assistance here! The robot’s brought friends! Many of them! He seems to be more popular in the robotic social circle than I anticipated!”
“Coming!” Tasha said. Then she turned back to Caden. Under the circumstances she no longer had time for a lengthy explanation of gravitational and centrifugal forces, axial tilts and the changing of the seasons. Caden would cover that in science class later, anyway. She settled for calm yet vague reassurance.
“No, we won’t fall off the world. No one’s fallen off yet, have they?”
Caden’s small nose scrunched up. “No, but…. couldn’t Daddy push it and make it straight?”
A civilian mom could’ve said no right off and maybe even laugh. But Captain Happily Married was gifted with boundless strength. He might very well be able to tilt a planet. Tasha had honestly never asked. She made a mental note to ask, just out of curiosity, then returned to the matter at hand. “If it was straight, it would change the weather. Mess with the seasons. It-”
“Why?” Caden asked inevitably.
She fell back on the equally inevitable answer. “Because I said so.” Then she spun to the hovering Seymour. “Cartoon. Now.”
Seymour beeped and immediately projected a selection from Cocomelon on a nearby wall. Caden understood that no further answers would be forthcoming, so he settled in. Jamie and Jeremy, and their duplicates, quickly followed.
“Thanks,” Tasha said quietly to the soccer ball, “now, buzz the babysitter and ping my cape, would you?”
Seymour beeped an acknowledgment. A light flashed behind the living room couch. Super Soccer Mom sighed. She didn’t know who had removed her cape from the closet and hidden it behind the couch to mingle with an assortment of loose change and cereal bits, but when she returned, she was going to find out.
Seymour alerted her that Hope the babysitter would be arriving shortly. “Sauna, I’m going out to help your father fight robots, you’re in charge until Hope gets here, all right?” she said, swirling on her cape.
“Mom!” Sauna protested.
“Not now!” Super Soccer Mom said. “And don’t burn down the house!” With that, she charged out the door and swept away in the Miraculous Minivan.
“Like I’d want to burn down this dump,” Sauna muttered, then disappeared into her room again.
And so the house, and presumably the day, was saved once again.