Hello and welcome to our weekly advice column by Captain Happily Married, Edison City’s heroic defender against evil, injustice, and interpersonal conflicts! Today’s topic: clone theology!
Dear Captain:
Look, I got a, well, it’s more of a philosophical question really, but I don’t know who else to ask. See, my name’s Phil, and I can clone myself, right? They’re really more extensions of myself; it’s hard to explain, but it’s like I can see through ten sets of eyes instead of one, okay? If one of the clones gets zapped that’s bad but of course if I get zapped well bye-bye clones. This has worked great so far and all, but one of my clones, well, I lost him, see. I don’t know what happened, he fell into a chemical thing, he got hit by lightning, I don’t know, but now I can’t see through him, I can’t view his memories, he’s like a whole different person. Except he’s still got my DNA, my fingerprints, my looks, everything. The guys at the DMV were so confused when he went in for a license, let me tell you.
Well, unfortunately, we got in a scrap with some robots. It happens more than you’d think around here. And unfortunately-er, the clone, maybe not a clone, got zapped. So now I don’t know what to do. I mean, I was raised old-school right? I go to church, say the prayers, light a candle, pray for the departed and all that, right?
Here’s the thing: what about this guy? I ain’t never prayed for my clones before. They’re just, y’know, reflections of me. Like a pair of glasses or using a robotic arm. This one was different though. Does he have, y’know, a soul? Did he make it to the good place? Then again, if he does, what about the others? And what if he ended up… not so good?
I don’t know what to do, Cap. Any ideas?
Sincerely,
Clonemaker Phil
Dear Phil,
I must confess: this is a bit beyond the usual run of the problems I’m called to address! The only time something like this has happened was when I first encountered the mystical Unity Candle of Gengulphus, which bestowed upon me the miraculous powers I now possess as Captain Happily Married! I did some research into the artifact itself before securing it in *REDACTED* but suffice to say I quickly learned that it originated in the ancient city of *REDACTED and its power could only be taken away by *REDACTED*!
In any event, I have referred your problem to a real expert on such things: Audrey of the Phenomenal Four! She’s certain to know how to advise you!
Hopefully,
Captain Happily Married
Dear Phil,
I apologize on the Captain’s behalf; the poor man means well, but I fear he’s somewhat misunderstood my powers. I am a telepath, not a psychic. There is a difference. Also, from what I gather, you were not creating clones; you were creating projections of yourself: remarkably solid projections capable of some independent movement even while connected to controlled by a single primary mind yes, but still projections. A clone, on the other hand, seems to be what we have now: a being genetically identical to yourself, but entirely capable of independent thought.
Now, if your, erm, clone, were still alive, then I could perform a telepathic scan and determine whether said clone had a soul. Unfortunately, well, he isn’t, so I can’t.
Terribly sorry, and my condolences,
Audrey, the Phenomenal Four
Phil,
Honestly, these guys. I can’t even. Okay, that was all a lot of fluff and whatnot, so let me cut in: my name is Constance, and I’m an angel. I checked on your guy. The clone, projection, you know. I call him Phil-2. Anyway, Phil-2 is fine, he made it, no worries. I checked, and somehow your guy does have a soul. I don’t know how he got it, I don’t understand it myself, but you know, mysteries of grace and all, right? Besides, I made it a point to look after clones in a special way, not insult ‘em, etc., ever since I heard about that great Earth song from that old movie, “You'll Ever Walk a Clone.”
Gets me right here, you know?
Anyway, good luck Phil, hang in there!
Angelically,
Constance
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