Hello, reader: sparked by a late-night idea I had, welcome to an advice column written by superhero Captain Happily Married, as he attempts to assist his fellow heroes and even the civilians in the never-ending battle against evil, injustice, and interpersonal conflicts! Who’s Captain Happily Married, you say? Our hero resides in Edison City, along with Super Soccer Mom and his various and sundry children with their various and sundry powers. His include flight, super-strength, general heroism, and the ability to hurl a unity candle with deadly accuracy. Super Soccer Mom’s powers include the ability to interface with a gadget-filled soccer ball named Winston along with other electronic devices, as well as boundless patience. We’ll get to the kids later. And now, to business!
Dear Captain,
I haven’t written before but something’s come up and I could use your help. My husband, “Dan”, and I both have powers, but I get mine from the mystic gem of Ellan-dar-ek, which I activate by reciting the charm [redacted]. When I do that, the gem endows me with strength, invulnerability, and speed, and also a uniform and cape. When I’m done with my work, I say the charm again, and my powers go away, as well as the uniform, which is a real convenience, let me tell you.
Here’s the problem. Dan’s power isn’t magic. He can morph into chemicals, which is all very well when you’re trying to knock out some supervillain or extinguish a fire or something, but half the time those things get on his uniform, and it’s not a mystic-gem deal, it’s standard spandex. Which means it has to go in the laundry like everything else. Do you have any idea how hard it is to get Dr. Diabolical’s Nullity Potion out of spandex? How about halon residue? We’ve gone through three washing machines in the past year alone. Then he tried washing it on his own but something happened and now we have a hole in our stainless steel sink. I tried asking his parents but there was some sort of multiverse memory deal and now they only remember the variant of Dan who didn’t have powers. We’re at a loss here. Can you help?
-Desperate in Smalliston
Dear Desperate,
Don’t worry, Captain Happily Married is here to save the day! I myself encountered this very dilemma the first time I fought one of the killer robots of Zorthon, and one of the robots fired a halon-enhanced tonic dispenser cannon directly into my left sleeve! Being nigh invulnerable I myself was unharmed, but my uniform was damaged by the very residue you have described in your correspondence! Using super-strength I quickly destroyed the robot and then realized that I needed a super assist, clothing-wise. Fortunately, I knew whom to consult. I radioed my good friend Titanium-Alloy Guy who helpfully provided me with one of his patented Super-Clean-O-Rays! It immediately did the trick! All you have to do is flag down Titanium-Alloy Guy the next time he flies heroically near your neighborhood with his thunder-boost rockets and I’m certain he’ll provide you with the same assistance he did me!
In justice,
Captain Happily Married
If you’d like to submit questions to be answered by Captain Happily Married or Super Soccer Mom, comment below! To read a story I wrote featuring further adventures of the Captain and Co., go here. For more adventures of the superheroes and regulars in Edison City, subscribe below!