Hello and welcome to our weekly advice column by Captain Happily Married, Edison City’s heroic defender against evil, injustice, and interpersonal conflicts! Today’s topic: superpower difficulties!
Dear Captain:
I’m actually an alien, but not the evil invading kind; I was sent here as a kid by my mum because she figured Earth would be cheaper than Galactic Boarding School. Anyway, I thought that once you figured in the different atmo and the radiation and all, I’d have all sorts of superpowers and I could do heroics, but it turns out all I can do is turn invisible. You’d think that’s cool, yeah?
You’d be wrong, Cap. People keep bumping into me on the street because they can’t flippin’ see me. I can’t eat or drink anything unless I stay inside for a day because soon as I go outside the whole bloody world gets a full-on view of my digestive processes, and it ain’t pretty, mate. I’m useless in rain, snow, or even mud because people notice when funny outlines start forming in midair, or footsteps pop up when they don’t see feet to cause ‘em. Even worse, once I turned invisible, I realized I couldn’t turn back. So the face-ID lock I just put on my phone? Useless, mate. Lost all my contacts, and also I lost my job because turns out the building I work in needs you to swipe your ID badge to get inside, and I tried that and some fella thought it was a crime in progress for some reason with the badge floating in midair and all and anyway, I don’t know what to do.
You know how to turn me back? At least how to make it so people can see me?
Thanks, Cap,
Clyde
Dear Clyde,
Well, goodness! That is indeed a problem! However, I believe I can assist. While I cannot turn invisible myself, and neither can Super Soccer Mom, there is one of my associates, Trina of the Phenomenal Four, who does have that ability! She may be able to speak with you about how to understand and control your power! Depending on the nature of your, ah, extraterrestrial biology, she may even be able to create a way to allow you to change back as necessary! (There’s polarity shifters involved, photon inverters, padamantium valients; anyway, Titanium-Alloy Guy could explain it better.)
In any event, I have forwarded her contact information to you in hopes she can assist. Meanwhile, stick to clear liquids and sunny days, and good luck!
In justice,
Captain Happily Married
If you’d like to submit questions to be answered by Captain Happily Married, leave a comment or email with your question! To read a story featuring further adventures of the Captain and Co., go here. For more adventures of the superheroes and regulars in Edison City, subscribe below!