Ask the Captain: Aftermath

Note: this edition of Ask the Captain is set shortly after the events of Mom Power.

car door in the sky

To: Captain Happily Married

From: Special Agent in Charge T. Ryan Welling, Department of Engagement with Risk-identified Persons

Re: Unexplained Door

Sir:

It has come to our attention that, some forty miles north-northwest of the Edison City metropolitan area, a car door of indeterminate make and model landed on the property of one Edwin E. Allen, Sr., seriously damaging one tractor belonging to same. Tractor reported to be “durn near shot all to heck”, per owner. While said car door was destroyed on impact, local cell phone footage (primarily sourced from one Edwin E. Allen Jr.) indicates that the car door’s descent track originated from potentially stratospheric altitudes.

In consultation with the FAA, local city agencies, and a very cooperative news helicopter, we located further information which suggested that said car door was launched from a city-suburban area at an approximate velocity of 2,607 feet per second. Under the circumstances we feel it necessary to reach out to you and/or your associates: are you aware of any relevant incidents or information which might shed light on this matter? If so, please contact us at the earliest possible opportunity.

Sincerely,

S.A.I.C. T. Ryan Welling, D.E.R.P.

Who Watches The Watchers? We Do! D.E.R.P : Investigating You for You!

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*tone* initiating voice-to-text mode*

caphap1: Tasha, did you see the mail? what’s with the door? I didn’t do the door!

supersoxmom: i didn’t do the door either. got an idea who did. Seymour: call up the Phenomenal Four, would you?

*tone* calling Phenomenal Four*

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supersoxmom: hey, guys, Super Soccer Mom here, you know anything about some random door falling out of the sky the other day?

boomshakalucy: wasn’t me! i just zap people, do the lightning, all that. wait. you don’t think….

natnatnat ….

audrey: We know it was you, Natalie. I distinctly remember. You said you were going to retrieve it.

natnatnat …

natnatnat: i’m sorry ok I thought the thing broke atmo

trinatheinvisible: oooooh someone is in troooooubleeeee

supersoxmom: guys you know I’m still cc’d on this right?

natnatnat: crap

supersoxmom: guys….

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Dear Agent Welling,

I have been retained by an individual who wishes to remain anonymous; for reference purposes I shall refer to her as “N”. This individual wishes me to convey the individual’s sincerest apologies to Mr. Allen for the inadvertent damage to and/or loss of his farming equipment and/or other property due to the less-than-deliberate throwing of an automobile door in such a way that, rather than achieving escape velocity and flying harmless out into space, it returned to Earth and landed on Mr. Allen’s property. This was not N’s intent; the situation which caused the initial throwing of said door was somewhat fraught at the time and involved crimes committed by a supervillain (Charity, a/k/a, the Reckless Raider, see attachment 1-b) which resulted in the abduction of N’s child by said supervillain and thereby caused the throwing of said door in the (fortunately successful) attempt to liberate said child.

Under the circumstances we do not feel this matter warrants further investigation by the D.E.R.P.; if necessary my client will be more than happy to open discussions re: compensation as regards the affected individual for the damages inadvertently caused, as my client’s insurance policy contains a rider for exactly this scenario.

Best,

Emerson Parthington IV

Murphy Mackintosh & Clearwater LLP