Ask the Captain: A Mugging
Hello and welcome to our revived feature: Ask the Captain, a weekly (in-universe) advice column by Captain Happily Married, Edison City’s heroic defender against evil, injustice, and interpersonal conflicts! Today’s topic: the etiquette of gift-giving!
Dear Captain,
Okay, I’ve never done this sort of thing before and honestly I’m not much for conversation anyway; you probably don’t know me but I’m the Wombat. I burrow. Yeah, it doesn’t sound much like a great power, I know, but when you’re underground doing a crime or something, messing up the sewer system or robbing a guy’s basement or what all, I don’t know, and you hear this sudden rumble in the dark, well, guess what, pal, that’s me. The Boundless Burrower.
Anyway. I work with a couple friends who also got powers, we meet up now and then, patrol and all, and one of ‘em, the Green Moth, she’s got this favorite coffee mug, see? I don’t know why it’s her favorite, it’s not green and it doesn’t have a moth on it, but she doesn’t either. I don’t get it, honestly; her powers are kinda weird and esoteric-like. Anyway. The mug gets broken. I don’t even know how. She said something about a tachyon burst upset the universal matrices or something. I didn’t understand it much at all.
Well, she never talks much in our meetings but you can tell when someone’s upset and she’s been upset ever since the dang thing broke and it’s upset me too now, so I want to get her a replacement mug, but… Cap, I’m not much on the social skills here, okay? I’m the Wombat. I do my work underground in sewers and such. For all I know, I get her a mug and she’ll think it’s a proposal and I’m kinda burrowing solo at the moment, I just think people should have their mugs that they like, you know?
So, I guess what I want to know is, is there a card or what not that just says something simple like “I’m sorry your mug got broke and here’s another one” without getting too into emotions and all?
Thanks,
The Wombat
Dear Wombat,
I understand your dilemma! You share a bond of camaraderie forged in the furnace of friendship and you fear that your kindly overture might jeopardize your association beyond repair! Not to worry, good burrower! I firmly believe in the virtues of clear communication! Accordingly, I suggest that you deliver said coffee mug to your associate with a communique along the following lines [see attachment]. That should resolve your situation!
In justice,
Captain Happily Married
The Next Day
The Green Moth wandered disconsolately into her usual coffee place. She was about to sit down in her usual spot when she observed, to her surprise, that a mug was upon the table, with a note attached to it. “How odd,” she said. Then, naturally, she read the note.
It read in the Wombat’s straightforward writing,
“Hello there, friend! Please accept this token of caffeinated comradeship as a symbol of our strictly platonic friendship! Sincerely, your friend, the Wombat!”
The Green Moth laughed so hard that coffee went up her nose, and two galaxies over a star blossomed unexpectedly into a supernova for no reason at all, delighting a nearby alien civilization who now looked forward to an evening of glorious fireworks.
This question for this column was inspired by this week’s flash fiction prompt by
:If you’d like to submit questions to be answered by Captain Happily Married, leave a comment below, or send an email with your question!
This was a delight 😂
CHM loves his big words.