17: Earth-Shattering Kabooms

Previously on And When Two Villains Woo, which started as a supervillain romcom and, as is often in Edison City, became something else entirely, Professor Irreconcilable Differences and her reluctant accomplice the Scarlet Shapeshifter are holding Sam Superlative Jr. at Kaboominator-point! Meanwhile, rogue superhero John Cute is holding the Malevolent Med-Student against the wall of his own lair as Candystriper lies helpless nearby! Meanwhile again, Captain Happily Married has taken to the skies, certain that mischief is afoot in his city! What will happen next? First, a commercial word:

“Hello,” Professor Irreconcilable Differences had just said, “I trust you have heard of the Kaboominator.”

Sam Superlative Jr. had indeed heard of it. In one recent encounter it was said to have depowered or even temporarily killed Captain Happily Married (the rumors weren’t clear on this point. Sam had himself once asked his father, Mr. Superlative, whether their own powers could withstand a blast from the Kaboominator. “Well, yeah, son, of course they would,” his father had said. Sam hadn’t been reassured.

Now he found himself staring down the thing’s barrel. He should’ve been afraid. Part of him was. On the other hand, he honestly didn’t know whether this weapon could hurt him or not, and even in the limited crime-fighting experience he’d had, he’d gotten used to the experience of being nearly invulnerable. (The sonic cannons, okay, that was not his fault, that was force being overmatched with greater force: give him a fair fight against those sonic things and he’d take ‘em out, you betcha). This presented real danger. Sam felt a sudden mad exhilaration, like when he’d secretly watched the zombie-fighter heroine television show without his parents knowing.

“Yeah,” he said, affecting a casual nonchalance. “Yeah, I’ve heard of it. Looks like a Nerf blaster went and had a baby with a porcupine.”

He couldn’t help himself and giggled. Professor Irreconcilable Differences was not amused. “I see you aren’t aware of the full capabilities of this device,” she said. “This weapon can displace matter across dimensions, it-”

“Sure,” Sam said, shrugging. “That’s what they all say. My dad ran across a guy last week who had a ray he said could disintegrate the Moon.” He gestured at the sky. “Moon’s still there.”

“This is not merely particle disintegration!” the Professor huffed. “This involves complex hyperencabulating transducent subdimensional valencing!”

“Is it wibbly wobbly?” Sam asked. The Professor didn’t get the reference, and she could see that he did, and that he found the whole thing hilarious.

“You’ll be sorry,” she said, and flicked a switch. The Kaboominator began to beep both steadily and ominously.

“Hey,” Sam said, and he knew a slight tremble was his his voice and he couldn’t help that either. “You wouldn’t kaboominate a kid with glasses, would you?” He realized this made no sense given that he wasn’t wearing them, and fumbled in his pockets for the pair he used as his civilian disguise.

“I would, actually,” the Professor said. “Also I wouldn’t conjugate the verb of what this does as kaboominate, since the kaboom is really more expressive of the sound rather than the physical effect. I understand the maker couldn’t think of a terrible enough name so it said this would have to suffice.”

The beeps stopped. A red light appeared on the device. “Ah,” she said, “It’s ready.”

Sam tried to recall his hero training. He could disarm her with strength or super-speed, but just about all of those tactics involved fatal injury, and he’d been taught not to use that. (There was one chance maybe just but she’d have to be distracted and she looked very focused right then). The other difficulty was Sam didn’t know whether the Kaboominator had a dead man’s switch so that it would explode if the Professor took her hand off the trigger; he didn’t think it had, but then a lot of bad guys had been using those lately and it really complicated things. He could use heat-vision to get her to drop the gun, but again, same problem. Could he keep her talking?

“Hey,” he said again, frantically, “You didn’t say anything about demands. Your monologue, all that. If you, ah…” he searched for an appropriate verb choice.

“YOU THERE!” boomed Captain Happily Married’s heroic voice from the sky. “PUT DOWN THE KABOOMINATOR!”

The Professor turned her head, just a fraction. Sam Superlative lurched forward. In the fraction of a split-second of time before he could reach her, Professor Irreconcilable Differences pulled the trigger.

---

Some miles away, in the secret hideout of the Malevolent Med-Student, John Cute heard the tell-tale earthshattering rumble of the Kaboominator. “Huh,” he said. “Wonder who that was?”

“Wouldn’t know,” said the Malevolent Med-Student, and hit John with the compact Pharma-Death Beam, mark three. It was the best he could do until his secret weapon was online.

It had no effect, but he hadn’t expected it to. It did produce a bit of flash and bang, which was enough for the Malevolent Med-Student to whip out the Oracle-phone and press a hastily-rigged button. An ethereal light shone in the hideout.

Greetings. We are Oracle Incorporated. You, Keith Malcolm, have already asked your question, but you, John Aloysius Cute, may ask one question and one question only. Please note that by continuing you accept the following terms-

“Aloysius?” the Malevolent Med-Student smirked. “What kind of a name is that?”

“How the hell should I know?” John Cute snapped. “Now shut up so I can hear-”

He was interrupted by the voice of the Oracle. “The name Aloysius is a male given name deriving from the medieval Latin Chlodovech, and ultimately from the Proto-Germanic Hlūdawīgą. You may find further information through resources on etymology. You have asked your question now. Thank you for calling Oracle Incorporated. Please do not call again. Goodbye.

The device sparked and fizzed out. John Cute rounded on the Malevolent Med-Student, his voice rising in confusion and fury. “What did you just-”

“That?” the Malevolent Med-Student said. “That was junk. Don’t need it anymore. Really, I was just stalling.”

“Stalling,” John Cute almost laughed. “Not even a proper monologue. “Pathetic.”

“Not really,” the Malevolent Med-Student said. “You may have smashed into my hideout and put my minion down for the count, as it were, but I very much doubt you know her as well as I do, nor have you kept up with certain, shall we say, upgrades she’s just recently acquired.”

“What are you going on about now?” John Cute said.

“Robot arm, are you there?” the Malevolent Med-Student said. He had only been waiting until he could see lights blinking on the darkness near the floor. Now, he could.

“Robot what?” John Cute said, lost.

“Robot arm,” the Malevolent Med-Student said, with a grin so feral it was almost a snarl, “Target John Cute and fire.”

There was a blip of acknowledgement and then everything exploded.

Read the Epilogue.