12: A Fight for Love and Glory
Previously on And When Two Villains Woo, the Malevolent Med-Student had just escaped from the secret lab of rogue superhero John Cute, thrudanium in hand, but John Cute has discovered his escape and is in murderous pursuit! Meanwhile, Candystriper flies through the skies of Edison City with her robot arm, while Sam Superlative, Jr., not realizing she’s escaped herself, is in the company of Professor Cthulhu. But first, as always, a quick reminder:
“Well,” Sam Superlative Jr., said. He’d had civilian relatives visit from out west for the holidays, and whenever they needed to leave a social situation they usually started with “Well” and maybe smacked their knees. For superheroes this was a lot easier: one could simply stand up, swirl one’s cape (if one had it, if not one could strike a pose), and declaim, “I must go! My city needs me!” and then dash for the exit. One could even just do a dramatic cape-swirl and then disappear, if one wanted to be more mysterious about it.
Professor Cthulhu, however, was a different problem altogether. Sam was in his living room now clinging awkwardly to a cracked tea saucer because he’d needed help hiding Candystriper from various other superheroes that were in pursuit. Now, however, Candystriper had gone and vanished. She’d just teleported right off. Sam didn’t know whether she’d done it on her own or someone had done it for her, but he didn’t think he could find out in Cthulhu’s living room.
“I know where she is,” the Professor said, and Sam felt a jolt.
“How do you-”
“I have lived vigintillions of your years, through epochs of time and space; I have seen into the heart of cosmic order and dwelt among the whorls of infinite chaos. I mastered dimensions that would shiver your mind into whimpering atoms. It was hardly worth the effort to see where your companion has gone.”
“Oh,” Sam said uncomfortably. “Vigintillions, huh. Wow. That’s… that’s a lot.”
“It is.”
There was an awkward pause which felt, at least to Sam, like it could itself have been at least one vigintillion of years. Then he coughed. “Could you, um, could you tell me where?”
Professor Chulthu stared hard at him. “There is always a price. Yours is that you will owe me a favor.”
“Well, now-”
But before Sam could finish his thought or perhaps change his mind given the dubious prospect of owing someone like Professor Cthulhu of all people an unspecified favor, particularly given what his father was sure to say about it, the Dread Academic went on. “Your friend has again been apprehended by the Edison City authorities. She is currently en route to a maximum-security facility where she will remain until she is tried for the murder of one Android Pete.”
“But- but he’s not dead!” Sam exclaimed. “Well, not- not exactly- he’s in my computer!”
“Hm,” Professor Cthulhu sniffed in gurgling disdain. “An interesting legal problem. Not my field. In any event, the authorities don’t seem to know about your computer.”
“I- I’ve got to tell them!” Sam leaped to his feet. “Thanks for your help, I appreciate it, I totally owe you, I know, but I gotta go!” He raced for the door, and it opened before him. Without pausing to think about the oddness of that, Sam Superlative Jr. flew off as fast as he could into the sky.
Professor Cthulhu brooded alone in his living room. “Indeed you do, Samuel. Indeed you do.”
Candystriper had indeed been captured, although it hadn’t entirely been her fault. After she had soared away from the secret lab the Malevolent Med-Student had teleported her into, she had paused for a moment, hovering in the sky over the city, to think and get her bearings. Any sudden airborne escapee from an underground lab would’ve told you that this is what she should’ve done. It was sheer bad luck that she chose to stop and hover right in Captain Happily Married’s flight path.
The Captain had neither forgiven nor forgotten the Malevolent Med-Student’s very recent escapade during which he’d dated and subsequently almost murdered the Captain’s daughter. He’d been the first to volunteer for extra patrol on hearing that the Malevolent Med-Student and his henchwoman had escaped. His “YOU THERE!” upon seeing Candystriper was especially thunderous.
“Eep-” Candystriper began. Her robot arm, sensing that its new owner was in danger, immediately let loose with a barrage of laser blasts. Captain Happily Married swatted them away.
“I eat lasers for breakfast!” he declaimed. “With a side order of Justice! Prepare to taste it yourself!”
“Yeah?” Candystriper said, feeling at last that that she was on ground she knew. Every henchperson worth their salt knew about hero banter. “Well, taste this! Robot arm, fire!”
The robot arm went for the biggest weapon in its arsenal, the sort of gun you only fire one time, because you only need to. There was a whiz and a whir, and then an almighty THWIRM.
Captain Happily Married fell from the sky.
Oh noooo!